Sad Sick Day

I've been doing my best.  At least, I've been telling myself it's my best... how do I tell what my best is anymore, when it's never the same?  I still get up (almost) every day, take care of the (minor) household chores and (usually) go to work.  But... that's about it.  I don't do anything extra, for myself or anyone else.

Hell, I'm not even sure how long I've been feeling this down... probably only about a week, since I started tapering that 'love to hate drug' prednisone, but it feels like forever.  I feel like a failure, a waste, a sick, fading shell.  What's the point?  Why even try anymore?

These have been my thoughts all day, as I have lazed about, trying to curb the nausea and get through my day at home without losing what's left of my mind.  Oh yeah, I stayed home today.  Barring the nasty details, the nausea that kept me up throughout the night and the aching head and body brought me even lower and convinced me that I'm not "sick", just reacting to the stupid drug taper.

Some days, especially on days like today, I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again.  I worry that I'm going to die early, leaving everyone behind.  I wonder if it's selfish to want to bring kids into this life, where their mother won't be able to do all the things mothers normally do.  I worry that my husband doesn't understand and may not even want to understand.  I can't blame him if that's true... who's to say I would not feel the same in his position?  After all, I'm still young, I should still have plenty of time ahead to go on adventures, share the physical labor of yard work, firewood cutting, bed making, laundry load lifting... I should be able to rub his back and neck when he is strained, like he does for me.

I certainly hope to feel better tomorrow... no more sick days for this impatient patient.

Trying

I try

to stay strong

to love all

to be grateful

I try

to accept

things I

cannot change

I fail

when I think

of myself

alone

I fail

when I

lose sight

of Him.

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       I feel like a failure, a nothing.  I am having a hard time with acceptance... of myself and this life in general.  I feel like I am constantly fighting to keep my head above water, to keep my eyes on the shore, to move just a tiny bit closer to the goal.

       Anytime I think to myself, "Yes!  I finally get it!  I finally know how this all ticks!"  I am pounded back into the pavement by a harsh reality... my pain compounds and grows or the fatigue overtakes my brain, my heart breaks or my aching body feels like crumbling.  Literally, every single time I think I'm "getting it" or "getting better" something pulls me back down.  It's almost enough to make a person want to quit trying.

       But... I know I'm not in this alone.  I know there are many, many others in the world struggling with the same struggles as me.  I know my husband and family love me no matter what and they are "here for me".  Best of all, I know the Lord has a plan, a purpose and a reason for my life.  I know He loves me more than I can imagine and that He has never left my side, even when I try to run from Him.

       I will keep fighting.  I'll fight the anger with knowledge, the depression with thankfulness, the self-pity with love.  I won't give in to the enemy who tries to poison my heart with all things dark and dreary.

       The sun (or Son) is always there, even when hidden behind the clouds.