Wednesday, July 27, 2011

~ Grandma Gail ~

"This is the day the Lord has made...  I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!"

Three years ago, a stunning phone call... she was gone.  The how, the why... it all escaped me.  Gone, just gone.  I could only have tried to imagine a fraction of the size wave that rushed over, through and around me.  Absolute grief, shock, disbelief... NO was the one word I recall saying.  Days, weeks, months past.  The grief kept hanging on, still to this day it hangs, though a bit lessened.  Slowly, ever so slow, the devastation shrank to simple sadness, bit by bit the anger traded for acceptance.

The one sure thing in this life is death.  There is no way for any of us to fake, trick, bribe or haggle our way out of it.  For those of us that know Heaven's hope it's a little less frightening, though still devastating when we lose our loved ones.  I am grateful I know that someday I will be reunited with those who have gone before.

Thank you Grandma Gail, for your legacy of love, laughter and family.  You are loved beyond words, thought of daily and missed more than you could have known.  I am so looking forward to that Grandma-hug when we finally meet again.  xoxoxox

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Just a Rant

I love the rain, I love the cold...
I love the rain, I love the cold...
I love the rain, I love the cold... nope, still not buying it.
The rain and I used to be great friends, constant companions, but in the last few years (or is it months?) my body has become less and less tolerant of the cold and constant drizzle.  My heart needs.. scratch that, my BODY needs some warmth!
I'm trying so very hard to stay positive and simply be grateful we don't have to worry about drought or fires or blazing heat (my body wouldn't be too happy with temps over 90,) but I have just about had it!  When I'm wearing winter sweaters to work in mid July something is very wrong with this picture.  My fingers and toes ache, hips and knees don't move on command, I have to remind myself to stand up and loosen up at least once an hour... I'm getting cranky.  Scratch that, I AM cranky.  I want to whine, cry, kick something, throw a tantrum.  None of that will change anything of course, though it may warm my blood up a bit... hmm... ;-)

Monday, July 18, 2011

Goodbye in Pictures

Knowing the tears it would bring I clicked the link anyway, praying to feel more peace than heartache.  The photos loaded slowly onto the screen, each brimming with their own memories though a mere skeleton of what once was.  It was all there, Grandma's house, though not as I remembered.  The walls are now bare, no family pictures, grandchild artwork, beloved oil paintings.  One by one the photos recalled pieces of my childhood, my history.  There's the aptly named livng room where so much time was spent, second only to the backyard in hours spent growing up.  There was the bedroom we played in, the single bathroom we fought over.  The picture of the kitchen was the hardest to take in.  In striking red and white it jogged the warmest memories and hurt my heart the most.

Grandpa is selling the house.  Since Grandma died (almost exactly three years ago, wow...) the house has not felt like home.  How could it without her?  A part of me wishes I had the means to buy the house.  After all it is the only home that has always been in the same place, occupied by the same people, full of the same love... my whole life it has been "Grandma & Grandpa's house" on the island.

I know this is one of those unavoidable aspects of life... saying goodbye to people and things that have always been there.  I know Grandpa needs to do this and that if Grandma were still alive they would have been selling the house together to make that move they always dreamed about.  I know that if I were to purchase the house it would not make anything better, only be a constant reminder of what once was and no longer can be.  I know that I am still grieving and trying to heal without forgetting.  I know I am not the only one who feels the loss so poignantly, or wishes for a Grandma bear-hug.  I know that she is in Heaven, waiting for us to join her when it's our time.

Saying goodbye is hard, perhaps harder when unexpected.
Saying goodbye in pictures... perhaps a little easier.

Saturday, July 16, 2011


I am human.
I try
and try
and fail again.
When finally
the end
of me
I call
for Him
to save.

I am human.
When I fall
He picks
When I cry
He dries