Tuesday, March 27, 2012

God's Will Be Done

     The other night I was reading my Bible. For the first time in... a long time, probably months. I had no idea where to start, what book would best bring the knowledge I was searching for, so I ended up (as I usually do) in Psalms. It may be the poetic, musical quality, or the way I feel akin to David a lot of times, but Psalms always reaches the deepest in me. I browsed for a while, not stopping too long on any one passage, when finally a verse caught me. Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." I read and re-read the words a few times, pondering their meaning, soaking it in. They gave me a reason to rest, to stop the worry.
      Then I started thinking...  why is it so hard to say "Your will be done Lord"? Hold on, rewind. Maybe I should ask first, do any of you also have a hard time saying this? I have realized very recently that when I pray or talk to God at all, generally I am asking for strength, peace or comfort. Sometimes I ask for healing or courage for a friend or family member and often I am just saying a simple, heartfelt thanks for whatever good thing has arisen or burden has been lightened. But rarely (read "never") do I say directly to the Lord "Your will be done". What is so scary about these simple words?
      I have a theory:
I am selfish. Close-minded. Stubborn. Scared of being challenged. Mistrusting of His plan. If I "give in" and let God do what He wills, I am opening up to more hurt, more challenge and less time in my comfort zone.

I know in my head that I can trust my Lord because He is the One all-knowing, all-loving King of Kings. I know His plan is best and I cannot fathom how great, wonderful and all-encompassing it is. I know... but I still doubt, am weak and want easy answers. Lord I believe, please help my unbelief.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

When Playing Hooky Isn't Fun

     Days ago I had great plans of composing all these insightful, inspired posts, brought on by some deep thinking and random reading I've been doing. Then... the flare hit...
I was in bed from 3 pm Saturday (when we got home from shopping and I crashed on the bed, shoes and all) through Monday night. It was ugly. I was ugly. Aching body and swollen hands literally had me down for the count. My hands hurt so bad I couldn't drive, let alone type or use my computer mouse at work... so I stayed home, and slept. All day. I felt so guilty. Tried to talk myself into attempting to go but couldn't muster the energy or coordination to even get dressed.
     Days like that are just pathetic. It feels like such a complete waste. I felt guilty for missing a day of work and I hate loath the fact I had to stay home because there is so much left to do this week and only one day left to do it in. It's incredible how behind you can get by missing one measly day of productivity, amazing how a few bad (or completely awful) days can completely change how you look at the world and make you think about where roads are taking you. It's sad how one "failure" (or flare) can bring you to the pit of guilt and self pity. Yuck!