Tonight is probably not a great time to make a comeback. My mood is awfully sour today. My head is full of angry words and my heart palpitates with bitter angst. I hope if I let it all spill out it will stop growing.
Why am I ready to fight, waiting for someone to make a wrong move so I can feel "justified" in my attack? I'm not even sure. Maybe it's the steroid withdrawal (yeah, I've been tapering off the prednisone), or my cold still keeping my head clogged and throat scratchy and keeping me up at night. Maybe it's the realization there's no way we can afford me to take a vacation this year, and I could really use a week at the beach or in the mountains! It could be hormones. Perhaps I'll feel back to normal in a few days and none of this will even be relevant. Maybe it's something to do with feeling financially poor and seeing no way up anytime in the near future. I don't even think I can take enough time off work to have a baby! No I'm not pregnant yet, just trying to plan and not feeling very optimistic about the future. (Like I said, today is a super sour mood day and I probably shouldn't even be writing...)
I know part of what sparked my aggravation was realizing that social security recipients received a 3.6% cost of living increase this year. While I understand the great need for it, my bitterness at the whole thing stems from M. taking cut after cut to his pay, with only more downward spirals in sight. First it was cost of living (COLA) raises being stopped a couple years ago. Then furlough days (days of no work and no pay) were given "Just for now until the economy recovers". Then the big kicker, he was "laid off" during the summer for 3 years, starting last summer. We have two years left of that crap. When (read if) he goes back to year round employment, the higher cost of health insurance will most likely make up for any extra money we're bringing in and we will be... you guessed it... where we are now. Struggling. Barely making it work. Our dream was to own a home before starting a family, but now that we're stuck in a house that is worth less than we owe I wonder if we would be better off renting. Maybe we just need to move out of this high cost, liberal state. Preferably taking my entire family with us.
There's no use wondering "what if" or even "if we only had the money..." since those statements don't change an ounce of reality. I'm just feeling wishful. (Actually, I'm trying to feel wishful rather than angry and bitter.)
I suppose I should be focusing on the positives, like how good it is that I got a raise this year, or thank God we both still have jobs! While I recognize how blessed we are in many ways, that bitterness is still hanging on. I'm trying, really, to let it go. Though it may be the only thing keeping my heart alive right now. I'm so afraid of falling into apathy, the depression I know so well.
Lord, please help my heart let go. And TRUST.