Monday, October 24, 2011

Sad Sick Day

I've been doing my best.  At least, I've been telling myself it's my best... how do I tell what my best is anymore, when it's never the same?  I still get up (almost) every day, take care of the (minor) household chores and (usually) go to work.  But... that's about it.  I don't do anything extra, for myself or anyone else.

Hell, I'm not even sure how long I've been feeling this down... probably only about a week, since I started tapering that 'love to hate drug' prednisone, but it feels like forever.  I feel like a failure, a waste, a sick, fading shell.  What's the point?  Why even try anymore?

These have been my thoughts all day, as I have lazed about, trying to curb the nausea and get through my day at home without losing what's left of my mind.  Oh yeah, I stayed home today.  Barring the nasty details, the nausea that kept me up throughout the night and the aching head and body brought me even lower and convinced me that I'm not "sick", just reacting to the stupid drug taper.

Some days, especially on days like today, I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again.  I worry that I'm going to die early, leaving everyone behind.  I wonder if it's selfish to want to bring kids into this life, where their mother won't be able to do all the things mothers normally do.  I worry that my husband doesn't understand and may not even want to understand.  I can't blame him if that's true... who's to say I would not feel the same in his position?  After all, I'm still young, I should still have plenty of time ahead to go on adventures, share the physical labor of yard work, firewood cutting, bed making, laundry load lifting... I should be able to rub his back and neck when he is strained, like he does for me.

I certainly hope to feel better tomorrow... no more sick days for this impatient patient.


  1. I have done nothing for 3 months but try try try again to get my injections to take. To no avail it's been a battle i'm not ready to give into as yet. I know how difficult it can be as I have very hard to treat symptoms. I'm exhausted, wiped out, down and out off and on but I try to go forward. This past week, it's been more rest than work or pleasure. Next week, might be better, could be worse. Hugs. tammy

  2. I'm sorry Tammy, just as you are. Thank you for sharing, as it always feels a bit less lonely when we hear another's story that resembles our own.

    Good luck with your treatment. I sure hope you get a reprieve soon :)


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