"I want to try, but it's just too hard!" These have been the words echoing in my head for... days? weeks? A while, at least. I feel like this disease is consuming my heart and soul. I don't want it to. I don't want to always be concerned about how much energy I have or how bad a task is going to hurt. I hate having to think multiple moves ahead just to make it to work every day and home in order to rest. I wanted to spend the past few days baking and sending Christmas cards, but the days are almost gone and I have yet to accomplish the first step. My hands hurt as if I've been punching a wall and my body doesn't want to move, let alone stand for more than a few minutes at a time.
I have a rheumatology appointment in a couple days. I need to make her understand how I have been feeling and how this is interfering with my life. I don't think the current treatment is working for me. Or maybe it is and I just can't tell the difference between a flare and inactivity. Or maybe I am one of those 'lucky' people who is constantly flaring.
I feel like complaining is all I've been doing. I don't want to live that way. I want to live gratefully, peacefully and happy to live life as it comes. My brain knows I have so much to be grateful for, my heart doesn't always agree. My heart is heavy with pain, worry and exhaustion.
I'm doing my best to 'muddle through' this muck, waiting for the light to reappear. It's just so hard to remember there is light ahead when it's hidden behind all the storm clouds.