Thursday, January 12, 2012

Still Kickin' It

Don't be alarmed... I'm still here. The last month (geez, it almost has been a WHOLE MONTH!) has been hard, busy and full of exhaustion. Awful brain fog is now one of my constant companions and I just couldn't bring myself to type out any of my feelings. I don't have much left in me from today so I mean to keep this short (haha right?).

Today was one of those "I can't do it-let me stay in bed-I feel like death warmed over" kind of days. I made it to work and muddled through, trying to stay mobile and alert enough to be productive. (I think I managed to be productive but honestly it's all kind of a blur.) Anyway, about halfway through the day we got a surprise visitor... a beloved former co-worker stopped by! CB has been and always will be one of the most inspirational people I've known. Her love of life, people and God radiate all around her and you can't help but smile when she speaks or simply looks at you. She has breast cancer that is thankfully responding well to treatment. Her attitude caused the pivotal moment of my day. In her own words, CB has never been a "pity party person". I wish I could say the same, but sadly tend to do a lot of wallowing, stewing and pitying. Even as I'm putting on a stoic exterior and "braving it", inside I'm feeling sorry for myself, wishing things were different and on occasion, crying "why me?!".
There CB sat, explaining her progress, describing her daily life, talking about how she feels, happy to simply be alive. At one point she said something to the effect of "There are days I wake up, the sun is shining and I'm so happy! Then I think 'oh yeah, I have cancer... oh well!' I mean, what can you do?". That statement... the acknowledgement that she has a "terminal illness" and chooses to get out of bed and have a good day anyway... that is what caught me in the heart. "Hell, why can't I do that?" was my first thought. Then I remembered... I can! It's all a choice... the mental part anyway, not necessarily the physical stuff. But why must we let our physical state dictate our attitude? There is always something to be thankful for. Sometimes you have to look under rocks, behind clouds and in valleys to find it, but there's always something.

I have an incurable autoimmune disease that often makes me feel like... for lack of a better word, CRAP. I also have about a billion things to be thankful for and could easily name a hundred of them if you wanted me to. (Though I may have to write them down so I remember. Brain fog you know... it's killer.)  ;-)

No comments:

Post a Comment

High praise: people taking time to read my writing.
Highest compliment: taking the extra time to comment.