Friday, October 15, 2010


     I felt a feeling today... one that has been absent a long time.  This sensation crept up like a shy kitten, curious if I would turn on it, squash or ignore it.  It pounced at my heart with an intensity I have not felt in quite a while.  My heart swelled with the emotion and, to my amazement, the feeling lasted through the afternoon.
     The sensation was one of joy, longing, peace and anticipation all rolled into one great big heart flutter.  I felt joy watching a young mother with her rambunctious three year old... longing for that kind of connection and love that only comes with motherhood... peace (instead of fear or dread) when dreaming of having my own babies... and the anticipation of wishing for the time to come soon.
     Don't get me wrong, I am not going to jump the gun before we have both agreed on our situation.  I would not want to get us in too far over our heads and not be able to afford food, shelter or clothes for our family.  The tragedy of poverty has pushed too many families to the breaking point and I would be devastated to feel that we were heading in that direction.  My heart is simply thankful for the reprieve.  I have not felt the intensity of that joyful yearning since... well, since Grandma died.  Things have been bottled and shut away for so long that I assumed if I ever again felt I wanted to have kids it would be too late and my clock would have run out.
     When Grandma died, so suddenly in July of 2008... my heart was broken.  My joy was crushed and life was gray.  The deep melancholy has only slighted lifted in these two years since.  Clinging tightly to the memories and trying to forget the reality was all I felt I could do.
     I used to dream of the day when we would surprise her with the wondrous news, "Congratulations, Great-Grandma!!".  I could just picture her squealing with delight, wrapping us both into a gigantic bear hug, tears no doubt glistening in her beautiful eyes.  My picture of that day was so vivid that I could imagine nothing else with her gone.  After all, what would be the point of having a baby if they could never know their Great-Grandma Gail?  I figured her death was the end of a dream that I had, and without her there would be no reason to have children.  (Obviously I was not thinking of my own parents, who are and will be fantastic, loving grandparents.)
     I am glad I once again felt the maternal yearning.  The joy is returning, I can feel it.  I must simply remember to embrace it and let my heart rest.

I am grateful for this light at the end of my long, dark tunnel.
Perhaps my heart is awakening.
Praise the Lord.

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand about finally feeling joy after what seemed like an endless sea of joyless, life-draining pain, but at the same time feeling numb and hollow. For me, it was in february when I realized I had joy again. A lot of it was simply realizing that I WAS still grieving, and that I could let myself grieve, and that it was ok. After I finally acknowledged my grief and came to terms with it, I started having joyful moments again. And I totally know what you mean about there not being a point to have children if they could never meet grandma gail! Why bring children into the world if they couldn't know HER? I had the same thoughts actually, even though I'm waaaay farther away from kids than you are.
    I'm so glad for you, sister. I really, really, really want you to have kids!! Not until you're both ready, but when you do have them, I'm totally gonna be a fun, slightly immature, slightly crazy, joyous Aunt Amanda. =)


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