Wow... it has been one month, one week and one hour since my last post! No, this is not an exclamation of excitement, more akin to a cringe and shake of the head. Life has been busy. Scratch that, life has been crazy, tiring and... crazy. I am so grateful for my darling husband who replaced our sewer line (saving us at least $2000!), replaced the fuel pump in the truck (saving at least another few hundred dollars), and has been patient and loving with me even as I've been snapping at him out of exhaustion and frustration the last couple (or few?) weeks.
I missed a week of work -minus three hours that I went in and barely lasted- when I was sick last month. I am truly grateful for my supervisors who are incredibly understanding and supportive. I'm not sure how I would be able to keep working if it weren't for their grace.
The combined stress of money-leeching household emergencies and lots on my plate at work has been wreaking havoc on my physical and mental health. I feel like I can't concentrate anymore, as I am always trying to make sure I'm not forgetting something important.
It's December 2nd... just 23 days until Christmas. I don't feel any spark, flitter or twinge of Christmas spirit. We are not buying gifts this year, frankly because we can't afford anything non-essential. I don't have any of my Christmas decorations out because that takes energy, "spoons" that I don't have enough of. I really hope to find some spirit of Christmas somewhere deep inside, soon. I don't want to be a grinch.
I want a family. Not one just made up of felines, canine and husband. What is the point of doing what we do if not to support and raise children of our own? Why own a house and work our tails off, if not to prepare for adding to our family? Mom will be an awesome grandmother. Dad a super fun(ny) grandpa. My sweet sister will be darling as Crazy Auntie Amanda. My brothers, though not living as close, will be happy (maybe thrilled?) to be uncles. Honestly, I can't wait. After all, the longer we wait the older we get... and the harder it may be.
These are my thoughts most prominent lately. Scattered, random and foggy. Thanks for listening, I will try to check in again soon.
It is very difficult in the times of busyness to see the joy that is the Christmas season. I feel right now that I won't be able to be in the "Christmas spirit" until after my official work is over on the 16th. I am trying to remember the amazingness of Christ willing to give up ALL His rights and be confined to human form.
ReplyDeletePS Nate WOULD be thrilled to be an uncle; albeit a little jealous because he really wants kids!
PPS From what I have heard from people, you will never feel "ready" for kids in the financial realm but have to trust in God's provision to come with the blessings. =)
Oh Honey, I totally relate to you not having the energy or gumption to pull out the decorations & make things festive for Christmas. Also, things are pretty tight all around, but I'm looking forward to a meaningful celebration with family focusing on the "reason for the season" and showering each other with love and warm companionship.
ReplyDeleteYou need to come over & we'll play familiar Christmas music, start a puzzle, play some games, do some Christmas baking & fudge making, and have some good laughs together!
You do face some extra challenges, but there are people with even greater challenges who have successfully welcomed children into their lives. If you feel you are emotionally ready, it is time to ask the Lord to show you how the obstacles can be overcome. From there you have to trust that He will guide you through, however difficult it may seem. As precious as you are to me, you're unfathomably more precious to Him and He cares more than you do about all the details of your life.
Ask ~ believing.
Watch ~ expecting.
Trust ~ with confidence.
Rest ~ in His infinite love.
Discover ~ His higher purposes.
With all my love,
Mama