~ Grandma Gail ~

"This is the day the Lord has made...  I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!"

Three years ago, a stunning phone call... she was gone.  The how, the why... it all escaped me.  Gone, just gone.  I could only have tried to imagine a fraction of the size wave that rushed over, through and around me.  Absolute grief, shock, disbelief... NO was the one word I recall saying.  Days, weeks, months past.  The grief kept hanging on, still to this day it hangs, though a bit lessened.  Slowly, ever so slow, the devastation shrank to simple sadness, bit by bit the anger traded for acceptance.

The one sure thing in this life is death.  There is no way for any of us to fake, trick, bribe or haggle our way out of it.  For those of us that know Heaven's hope it's a little less frightening, though still devastating when we lose our loved ones.  I am grateful I know that someday I will be reunited with those who have gone before.

Thank you Grandma Gail, for your legacy of love, laughter and family.  You are loved beyond words, thought of daily and missed more than you could have known.  I am so looking forward to that Grandma-hug when we finally meet again.  xoxoxox

Just a Rant

I love the rain, I love the cold...

I love the rain, I love the cold...

I love the rain, I love the cold... nope, still not buying it.

The rain and I used to be great friends, constant companions, but in the last few years (or is it months?) my body has become less and less tolerant of the cold and constant drizzle.  My heart needs.. scratch that, my BODY needs some warmth!

I'm trying so very hard to stay positive and simply be grateful we don't have to worry about drought or fires or blazing heat (my body wouldn't be too happy with temps over 90,) but I have just about had it!  When I'm wearing winter sweaters to work in mid July something is very wrong with this picture.  My fingers and toes ache, hips and knees don't move on command, I have to remind myself to stand up and loosen up at least once an hour... I'm getting cranky.  Scratch that, I AM cranky.  I want to whine, cry, kick something, throw a tantrum.  None of that will change anything of course, though it may warm my blood up a bit... hmm... ;-)

Goodbye in Pictures

Knowing the tears it would bring I clicked the link anyway, praying to feel more peace than heartache.  The photos loaded slowly onto the screen, each brimming with their own memories though a mere skeleton of what once was.  It was all there, Grandma's house, though not as I remembered.  The walls are now bare, no family pictures, grandchild artwork, beloved oil paintings.  One by one the photos recalled pieces of my childhood, my history.  There's the aptly named livng room where so much time was spent, second only to the backyard in hours spent growing up.  There was the bedroom we played in, the single bathroom we fought over.  The picture of the kitchen was the hardest to take in.  In striking red and white it jogged the warmest memories and hurt my heart the most.

Grandpa is selling the house.  Since Grandma died (almost exactly three years ago, wow...) the house has not felt like home.  How could it without her?  A part of me wishes I had the means to buy the house.  After all it is the only home that has always been in the same place, occupied by the same people, full of the same love... my whole life it has been "Grandma & Grandpa's house" on the island.

I know this is one of those unavoidable aspects of life... saying goodbye to people and things that have always been there.  I know Grandpa needs to do this and that if Grandma were still alive they would have been selling the house together to make that move they always dreamed about.  I know that if I were to purchase the house it would not make anything better, only be a constant reminder of what once was and no longer can be.  I know that I am still grieving and trying to heal without forgetting.  I know I am not the only one who feels the loss so poignantly, or wishes for a Grandma bear-hug.  I know that she is in Heaven, waiting for us to join her when it's our time.

Saying goodbye is hard, perhaps harder when unexpected.
Saying goodbye in pictures... perhaps a little easier.

Poem

I am human.

Weak
imperfect

broken.

I try

and try

and fail again.

When finally

at
the end

of me

I call

for Him

to save.

I am human.
Beautiful
precious
loved.
When I fall
He picks
me
up.
When I cry
He dries
the
tears.

I
am
beloved.

New Job, New Me?

       I will be changing jobs soon... still working for the same organisation with the same people, though my department, title and responsibilities are all changing come this next month.  I have been offered and accepted a new position in which I will be focusing on marketing and providing administrative support to the various departments.  This switch may not be an easy one.  I am not sure how quickly I will learn my new tasks and feel comfortable in this new role.  The past three years have been spent providing customer service and support to this wonderful non-profit and honestly I have not done much else other than customer service in my employed life.  I'm sure I will do fine, even if I don't know something right away I work with an awesome team of people and we are all quite good at helping each other along.  I really should not be worried about my capabilities.
       My initial reaction was to ignore the opening completely because this position is specifically administrative work, not customer service which I have always done.  I struggled with my decision, talked to co-workers, family and friends, prayed about it, thought my mind was made up over and over again... it was quite a battle within.  Finally I decided to apply for the job when my sister told me to "just do it, it's an opportunity to do something new!".  Though new things normally terrify me and I try to avoid changes, when put into those words I realized maybe the only reason I should go for it was because it was something new, fresh and exciting.  So I applied, was interviewed (a complete nervous wreck!) and was offered the job.  I accepted.
       Since the interview I have been questioning myself.  Not second guessing or regretting my decision, not even necessarily questioning my abilities, just wondering why I decided I needed the change.  My conclusion is a tangled web.  My heart is and always will be, with the people I serve.  The people who "fall through the cracks" of society, the volunteers who have no one else to talk to, the families who see us as their only safe haven.  My heart is for these people and I am a bit sad to know I will not be working as closely with them on a daily basis.  Having said that, I am excited about my new position.  I am glad (though scared,) to be going outside of my comfort zone and expanding on my knowledge of our organisation.  I am ecstatic to be working for one of the sweetest, most caring and helpful women I have ever met, and almost cannot wait to start being her "right hand man".
       Why would someone like me, shy, cautious, easy-going, want to go so far outside my safe zone and work in a department so different from what I am used to?  Why would I put myself through the mind-blowing stress of the application and interview process when I already have a good job that I love?  Why rock the boat when I have the perfect schedule, a fantastic supervisor and awesome co-workers?
       As I have pondered these questions the past couple of weeks I've come to a realization... my current position is good, I love the people, I love my hours, I believe in our mission.  My current position though is basically the same type of work I have been doing for the last 10 or so years, customer service and help desk.  There comes a time in everyone's life when they must choose between the same and the new, the familiar and the unknown, the current good and the new better.  I surprised myself this time, I chose the new... and I'm glad.