Tuesday... better than Monday

After yesterday's... uh, slightly depressive post, I feel the need to do a follow up.  So here I am, following up...

I have been (obviously) feeling miserable lately.  There have been a few sad events that hit a bit close to home, my body is betraying me again, the weather has changed for the worse and my darling husband's monthly paychecks are getting leaner (we knew this was coming, just weren't sure how lean they would look and it's rather discouraging).  All these things have been added to my life in the span of a couple months.  I feel down, dogged, dreary, disheartened.  It is hard finding the silver lining, the blessing in disguise, the rainbow in the storm.  It's hard and honestly I don't want to have to do it.  But you know, I don't have to.  I don't have to figure things out, make it work on my own, hold myself together... I'm not alone.  When I remember that, things feel a bit easier.  Life feels a bit more normal and I don't feel so much like a failure.

None of us are alone.  No matter how bad and lonely and rejected you feel, there is always someone you can go to in times of need.  We are also not alone in our struggles.  Every day, tragedy strikes.  Maybe not in your life or my life... maybe you will not ever hear of this tragedy, but it happens to someone, a fellow human being.  People die, are hurt, run away... there are so many hurting souls in this world we are never alone in our grief and our pain.

I don't know for sure how many people read this blog, how many of them are people I know and who even really cares about what I have to say.  But I do have some followers which must mean there are at least a few people paying attention, right?  If not that is alright, since a lot of times I just use this as an outlet when I am feeling something intensely.  Whether you are a friend, follower, family member or stranger reading this: THANK YOU.  Thank you for letting me vent, voice my heart, feel acknowledged.  I appreciate it more than you know.

Hmm... does that make me a narcissist??  ;-)

Sad Sick Day

I've been doing my best.  At least, I've been telling myself it's my best... how do I tell what my best is anymore, when it's never the same?  I still get up (almost) every day, take care of the (minor) household chores and (usually) go to work.  But... that's about it.  I don't do anything extra, for myself or anyone else.

Hell, I'm not even sure how long I've been feeling this down... probably only about a week, since I started tapering that 'love to hate drug' prednisone, but it feels like forever.  I feel like a failure, a waste, a sick, fading shell.  What's the point?  Why even try anymore?

These have been my thoughts all day, as I have lazed about, trying to curb the nausea and get through my day at home without losing what's left of my mind.  Oh yeah, I stayed home today.  Barring the nasty details, the nausea that kept me up throughout the night and the aching head and body brought me even lower and convinced me that I'm not "sick", just reacting to the stupid drug taper.

Some days, especially on days like today, I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again.  I worry that I'm going to die early, leaving everyone behind.  I wonder if it's selfish to want to bring kids into this life, where their mother won't be able to do all the things mothers normally do.  I worry that my husband doesn't understand and may not even want to understand.  I can't blame him if that's true... who's to say I would not feel the same in his position?  After all, I'm still young, I should still have plenty of time ahead to go on adventures, share the physical labor of yard work, firewood cutting, bed making, laundry load lifting... I should be able to rub his back and neck when he is strained, like he does for me.

I certainly hope to feel better tomorrow... no more sick days for this impatient patient.

Poem

You saved me from

the darkness

and continue

to hold my hand.

You pulled me up

from the pit

of despair

You sold Your soul

for mine.

When I am weak

tired, broken

Your love is all I need.

When I fail

worn, dejected

Your heart gives mine

new life.

Before my heart cries out

for peace

You have heard

the break.

You bring me through

the shadow lands

Your heart sees mine

in truth.

You hold my soul

in loving arms

all I need is You.

Garfield Got it Right

It was certainly a Monday, ALL DAY LONG, beginning last night nonetheless...

The bathtub suddenly filled with "dirty" water right after Michael took his shower, while my load of laundry was rinsing.

We tried numerous variations of plunging, flushing, dumping yada yada yada.... nothing worked.  I started panicking about the cost and how bad it probably was and "Oh my GOSH! How are we going to fix this?!?!"

Finally I was calmed down enough to go to bed, at midnight.... and let my darling husband stay home and worry about it tomorrow (today) while I was at work.

So I go to work this morning like usual - tired and grumpy and sore, like usual - and do my best to muddle through my super long to do list... wait, didn't I finish my list on Friday?!  No of course not, and besides, it's a new week so new to do's.
Hold on, I can't even start on my list because my keyboard is not working!!  I crawl underneath the massive oak desk to find the keyboard cable amongst the rat's nest of cords, cables and plugs... I spend 20 minutes trying to find the cable and make sure it's plugged in, keyboard still no worky.  Arghhh!!!!!!  What the heck!!  Okay fine, I'll restart the stupid machine.  That fixed it, all is working as it should.  What a waste of time I don't have!

Finally I was hooked up, plugged in and ready to get down to business!  Oh good, another interruption, someone needs something... or has a question, or calls me out to the front desk, or asks my opinion on something they should be taking ownership of...yada yada... seriously, a bit aggravating and downright distracting.

I suppose when all is said and done I accomplished the basic tasks that absolutely HAD to be completed today.  I sure hope tomorrow is easier, cause I am not up for another MONDAY!  Today was.. just... too.... exhaustin....zzzzzzz

Aggravated, Frustrated and Just Plain Mad!

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!

So it's a cycle eh?  Vicious, circling, painful, aggravating.  There is no miracle cure or designer drug that makes it all go away.  The medicines we are given often have nasty side effects and we have to make our choices based on the lesser of two evils.  My current regimen consists of Plaquenil and prednisone prescriptions, with fish oil and Celadrin gel capsules as "natural aids".

I have not yet started any of the "scarier" drugs but in my current state I almost wish I had.  Sure it's only day six of the prednisone but I don't remember it taking this long to kick in the first time.  Of course, my foggy head could easily have forgotten the details, it sure wouldn't be the first time and besides, that was a year ago!

Anyway, so I'm waiting out the drugs now right?  I mean, what else is there to do?  It's not like I can say, "Oh I changed my mind, I don't want this anymore" and someone will magically take the disease back.  Sooo irritating, just waiting!!  I feel like I've tried everything... extra rest (easy for me to lay around all day), light exercise (the walks felt real good but yesterday wore me out!), ice and heat, heat and ice, drinking tons of water, praying... well, I've sort of done that last one.  It's been more like "Please God, I don't know what to do!" muttered through clenched teeth.  Which reminds me... if any of you want to pray for me I would more than welcome it.  I seem to have a knack for turning my prayers into angry rants and then I close me ears and heart to any answers.  Stupid, I know.

Okay, enough of the gripes.  What am I thankful for?  Um, having a hard time not spitting out cliches like "my family, my dog, electricity, food etc..." oh here's one!  I am thankful that my husband is laying next to me playing a game while I vent to my heart's content on the internet.  I am glad he has the heart to be around me when I am obviously "grouchy" and that he is wise enough to not ask me "What's wrong?" when it's obvious.  Just his presence gives me a little more strength and calm.
On that note, good night y'all.  May we all have good long restful sleep and see a better morning tomorrow.  Thanks for listening.