Still Kickin' It

Don't be alarmed... I'm still here. The last month (geez, it almost has been a WHOLE MONTH!) has been hard, busy and full of exhaustion. Awful brain fog is now one of my constant companions and I just couldn't bring myself to type out any of my feelings. I don't have much left in me from today so I mean to keep this short (haha right?).

Today was one of those "I can't do it-let me stay in bed-I feel like death warmed over" kind of days. I made it to work and muddled through, trying to stay mobile and alert enough to be productive. (I think I managed to be productive but honestly it's all kind of a blur.) Anyway, about halfway through the day we got a surprise visitor... a beloved former co-worker stopped by! CB has been and always will be one of the most inspirational people I've known. Her love of life, people and God radiate all around her and you can't help but smile when she speaks or simply looks at you. She has breast cancer that is thankfully responding well to treatment. Her attitude caused the pivotal moment of my day. In her own words, CB has never been a "pity party person". I wish I could say the same, but sadly tend to do a lot of wallowing, stewing and pitying. Even as I'm putting on a stoic exterior and "braving it", inside I'm feeling sorry for myself, wishing things were different and on occasion, crying "why me?!".
There CB sat, explaining her progress, describing her daily life, talking about how she feels, happy to simply be alive. At one point she said something to the effect of "There are days I wake up, the sun is shining and I'm so happy! Then I think 'oh yeah, I have cancer... oh well!' I mean, what can you do?". That statement... the acknowledgement that she has a "terminal illness" and chooses to get out of bed and have a good day anyway... that is what caught me in the heart. "Hell, why can't I do that?" was my first thought. Then I remembered... I can! It's all a choice... the mental part anyway, not necessarily the physical stuff. But why must we let our physical state dictate our attitude? There is always something to be thankful for. Sometimes you have to look under rocks, behind clouds and in valleys to find it, but there's always something.

I have an incurable autoimmune disease that often makes me feel like... for lack of a better word, CRAP. I also have about a billion things to be thankful for and could easily name a hundred of them if you wanted me to. (Though I may have to write them down so I remember. Brain fog you know... it's killer.)  ;-)

Too Hard?

"I want to try, but it's just too hard!"  These have been the words echoing in my head for... days? weeks?  A while, at least.  I feel like this disease is consuming my heart and soul.  I don't want it to.  I don't want to always be concerned about how much energy I have or how bad a task is going to hurt.  I hate having to think multiple moves ahead just to make it to work every day and home in order to rest.  I wanted to spend the past few days baking and sending Christmas cards, but the days are almost gone and I have yet to accomplish the first step.  My hands hurt as if I've been punching a wall and my body doesn't want to move, let alone stand for more than a few minutes at a time.

I have a rheumatology appointment in a couple days.  I need to make her understand how I have been feeling and how this is interfering with my life.  I don't think the current treatment is working for me. Or maybe it is and I just can't tell the difference between a flare and inactivity.  Or maybe I am one of those 'lucky' people who is constantly flaring.

I feel like complaining is all I've been doing.  I don't want to live that way.  I want to live gratefully, peacefully and happy to live life as it comes.  My brain knows I have so much to be grateful for, my heart doesn't always agree.  My heart is heavy with pain, worry and exhaustion.

I'm doing my best to 'muddle through' this muck, waiting for the light to reappear.  It's just so hard to remember there is light ahead when it's hidden behind all the storm clouds.

Sad Sick Day

I've been doing my best.  At least, I've been telling myself it's my best... how do I tell what my best is anymore, when it's never the same?  I still get up (almost) every day, take care of the (minor) household chores and (usually) go to work.  But... that's about it.  I don't do anything extra, for myself or anyone else.

Hell, I'm not even sure how long I've been feeling this down... probably only about a week, since I started tapering that 'love to hate drug' prednisone, but it feels like forever.  I feel like a failure, a waste, a sick, fading shell.  What's the point?  Why even try anymore?

These have been my thoughts all day, as I have lazed about, trying to curb the nausea and get through my day at home without losing what's left of my mind.  Oh yeah, I stayed home today.  Barring the nasty details, the nausea that kept me up throughout the night and the aching head and body brought me even lower and convinced me that I'm not "sick", just reacting to the stupid drug taper.

Some days, especially on days like today, I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again.  I worry that I'm going to die early, leaving everyone behind.  I wonder if it's selfish to want to bring kids into this life, where their mother won't be able to do all the things mothers normally do.  I worry that my husband doesn't understand and may not even want to understand.  I can't blame him if that's true... who's to say I would not feel the same in his position?  After all, I'm still young, I should still have plenty of time ahead to go on adventures, share the physical labor of yard work, firewood cutting, bed making, laundry load lifting... I should be able to rub his back and neck when he is strained, like he does for me.

I certainly hope to feel better tomorrow... no more sick days for this impatient patient.

Trying

I try

to stay strong

to love all

to be grateful

I try

to accept

things I

cannot change

I fail

when I think

of myself

alone

I fail

when I

lose sight

of Him.

********************************************

       I feel like a failure, a nothing.  I am having a hard time with acceptance... of myself and this life in general.  I feel like I am constantly fighting to keep my head above water, to keep my eyes on the shore, to move just a tiny bit closer to the goal.

       Anytime I think to myself, "Yes!  I finally get it!  I finally know how this all ticks!"  I am pounded back into the pavement by a harsh reality... my pain compounds and grows or the fatigue overtakes my brain, my heart breaks or my aching body feels like crumbling.  Literally, every single time I think I'm "getting it" or "getting better" something pulls me back down.  It's almost enough to make a person want to quit trying.

       But... I know I'm not in this alone.  I know there are many, many others in the world struggling with the same struggles as me.  I know my husband and family love me no matter what and they are "here for me".  Best of all, I know the Lord has a plan, a purpose and a reason for my life.  I know He loves me more than I can imagine and that He has never left my side, even when I try to run from Him.

       I will keep fighting.  I'll fight the anger with knowledge, the depression with thankfulness, the self-pity with love.  I won't give in to the enemy who tries to poison my heart with all things dark and dreary.

       The sun (or Son) is always there, even when hidden behind the clouds.