Tuesday... better than Monday

After yesterday's... uh, slightly depressive post, I feel the need to do a follow up.  So here I am, following up...

I have been (obviously) feeling miserable lately.  There have been a few sad events that hit a bit close to home, my body is betraying me again, the weather has changed for the worse and my darling husband's monthly paychecks are getting leaner (we knew this was coming, just weren't sure how lean they would look and it's rather discouraging).  All these things have been added to my life in the span of a couple months.  I feel down, dogged, dreary, disheartened.  It is hard finding the silver lining, the blessing in disguise, the rainbow in the storm.  It's hard and honestly I don't want to have to do it.  But you know, I don't have to.  I don't have to figure things out, make it work on my own, hold myself together... I'm not alone.  When I remember that, things feel a bit easier.  Life feels a bit more normal and I don't feel so much like a failure.

None of us are alone.  No matter how bad and lonely and rejected you feel, there is always someone you can go to in times of need.  We are also not alone in our struggles.  Every day, tragedy strikes.  Maybe not in your life or my life... maybe you will not ever hear of this tragedy, but it happens to someone, a fellow human being.  People die, are hurt, run away... there are so many hurting souls in this world we are never alone in our grief and our pain.

I don't know for sure how many people read this blog, how many of them are people I know and who even really cares about what I have to say.  But I do have some followers which must mean there are at least a few people paying attention, right?  If not that is alright, since a lot of times I just use this as an outlet when I am feeling something intensely.  Whether you are a friend, follower, family member or stranger reading this: THANK YOU.  Thank you for letting me vent, voice my heart, feel acknowledged.  I appreciate it more than you know.

Hmm... does that make me a narcissist??  ;-)

Trying

I try

to stay strong

to love all

to be grateful

I try

to accept

things I

cannot change

I fail

when I think

of myself

alone

I fail

when I

lose sight

of Him.

********************************************

       I feel like a failure, a nothing.  I am having a hard time with acceptance... of myself and this life in general.  I feel like I am constantly fighting to keep my head above water, to keep my eyes on the shore, to move just a tiny bit closer to the goal.

       Anytime I think to myself, "Yes!  I finally get it!  I finally know how this all ticks!"  I am pounded back into the pavement by a harsh reality... my pain compounds and grows or the fatigue overtakes my brain, my heart breaks or my aching body feels like crumbling.  Literally, every single time I think I'm "getting it" or "getting better" something pulls me back down.  It's almost enough to make a person want to quit trying.

       But... I know I'm not in this alone.  I know there are many, many others in the world struggling with the same struggles as me.  I know my husband and family love me no matter what and they are "here for me".  Best of all, I know the Lord has a plan, a purpose and a reason for my life.  I know He loves me more than I can imagine and that He has never left my side, even when I try to run from Him.

       I will keep fighting.  I'll fight the anger with knowledge, the depression with thankfulness, the self-pity with love.  I won't give in to the enemy who tries to poison my heart with all things dark and dreary.

       The sun (or Son) is always there, even when hidden behind the clouds.