Trying

I try

to stay strong

to love all

to be grateful

I try

to accept

things I

cannot change

I fail

when I think

of myself

alone

I fail

when I

lose sight

of Him.

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       I feel like a failure, a nothing.  I am having a hard time with acceptance... of myself and this life in general.  I feel like I am constantly fighting to keep my head above water, to keep my eyes on the shore, to move just a tiny bit closer to the goal.

       Anytime I think to myself, "Yes!  I finally get it!  I finally know how this all ticks!"  I am pounded back into the pavement by a harsh reality... my pain compounds and grows or the fatigue overtakes my brain, my heart breaks or my aching body feels like crumbling.  Literally, every single time I think I'm "getting it" or "getting better" something pulls me back down.  It's almost enough to make a person want to quit trying.

       But... I know I'm not in this alone.  I know there are many, many others in the world struggling with the same struggles as me.  I know my husband and family love me no matter what and they are "here for me".  Best of all, I know the Lord has a plan, a purpose and a reason for my life.  I know He loves me more than I can imagine and that He has never left my side, even when I try to run from Him.

       I will keep fighting.  I'll fight the anger with knowledge, the depression with thankfulness, the self-pity with love.  I won't give in to the enemy who tries to poison my heart with all things dark and dreary.

       The sun (or Son) is always there, even when hidden behind the clouds.