Sad Sick Day

I've been doing my best.  At least, I've been telling myself it's my best... how do I tell what my best is anymore, when it's never the same?  I still get up (almost) every day, take care of the (minor) household chores and (usually) go to work.  But... that's about it.  I don't do anything extra, for myself or anyone else.

Hell, I'm not even sure how long I've been feeling this down... probably only about a week, since I started tapering that 'love to hate drug' prednisone, but it feels like forever.  I feel like a failure, a waste, a sick, fading shell.  What's the point?  Why even try anymore?

These have been my thoughts all day, as I have lazed about, trying to curb the nausea and get through my day at home without losing what's left of my mind.  Oh yeah, I stayed home today.  Barring the nasty details, the nausea that kept me up throughout the night and the aching head and body brought me even lower and convinced me that I'm not "sick", just reacting to the stupid drug taper.

Some days, especially on days like today, I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again.  I worry that I'm going to die early, leaving everyone behind.  I wonder if it's selfish to want to bring kids into this life, where their mother won't be able to do all the things mothers normally do.  I worry that my husband doesn't understand and may not even want to understand.  I can't blame him if that's true... who's to say I would not feel the same in his position?  After all, I'm still young, I should still have plenty of time ahead to go on adventures, share the physical labor of yard work, firewood cutting, bed making, laundry load lifting... I should be able to rub his back and neck when he is strained, like he does for me.

I certainly hope to feel better tomorrow... no more sick days for this impatient patient.

Aggravated, Frustrated and Just Plain Mad!

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!

So it's a cycle eh?  Vicious, circling, painful, aggravating.  There is no miracle cure or designer drug that makes it all go away.  The medicines we are given often have nasty side effects and we have to make our choices based on the lesser of two evils.  My current regimen consists of Plaquenil and prednisone prescriptions, with fish oil and Celadrin gel capsules as "natural aids".

I have not yet started any of the "scarier" drugs but in my current state I almost wish I had.  Sure it's only day six of the prednisone but I don't remember it taking this long to kick in the first time.  Of course, my foggy head could easily have forgotten the details, it sure wouldn't be the first time and besides, that was a year ago!

Anyway, so I'm waiting out the drugs now right?  I mean, what else is there to do?  It's not like I can say, "Oh I changed my mind, I don't want this anymore" and someone will magically take the disease back.  Sooo irritating, just waiting!!  I feel like I've tried everything... extra rest (easy for me to lay around all day), light exercise (the walks felt real good but yesterday wore me out!), ice and heat, heat and ice, drinking tons of water, praying... well, I've sort of done that last one.  It's been more like "Please God, I don't know what to do!" muttered through clenched teeth.  Which reminds me... if any of you want to pray for me I would more than welcome it.  I seem to have a knack for turning my prayers into angry rants and then I close me ears and heart to any answers.  Stupid, I know.

Okay, enough of the gripes.  What am I thankful for?  Um, having a hard time not spitting out cliches like "my family, my dog, electricity, food etc..." oh here's one!  I am thankful that my husband is laying next to me playing a game while I vent to my heart's content on the internet.  I am glad he has the heart to be around me when I am obviously "grouchy" and that he is wise enough to not ask me "What's wrong?" when it's obvious.  Just his presence gives me a little more strength and calm.
On that note, good night y'all.  May we all have good long restful sleep and see a better morning tomorrow.  Thanks for listening.

Cold and Hot... Pain Relief?

Summer is finally here!!  I've been awaiting the warmer weather, aching (literally) with anticipation for what seems like forever!  We have had a particularly cold Spring and start of Summer... it's so nice to have sunshine and warmth!  Or so I thought...
Yesterday my body was not happy, angry in fact.  It seems the excess heat triggers swelling of joints and causes incredible fatigue.  Who would've guessed that huh?  Today, much of the same, a bit worse.  The pain grew and sharpened over the course of the day and I'm considering calling the doc, but would prefer to wait things out a bit longer.
Pain is not usually my worst enemy.  Because of this I don't have a regular "pain management routine".  I still have some prednisone and consider taking one but haven't yet.  Ice packs are helping to ease the swelling and pain in my hands but I can't keep ice on them forever.  Usually heat therapy is my best bet for easing the ache, but I guess not when the pain is caused by Summer heat.
Currently I am only taking Plaquenil and diclofenac for treatment.  I use heat to loosen up the joints and ease the ache.  I guess now I'm also using cold therapy when the pain is triggered by warmer temps.  I don't want to take pain medication if I don't have to because I know I'll have trouble rationing myself once I have access to it.  I don't want to "cave" before I "have" to, if you know what I mean.  My rheumy will prescribe something for the pain if (or when) it gets bad enough.  I sort of dread that day.  I hope to God it never comes, or at least not anytime soon.
For now I'll continue my fight.  I'll fight the cold with hot, heat with ice... maybe someday it will all balance out.