When Good News is Hard to Take

Saw my rheumatologist today. We talked about my back pain, stiffness and decreased range of motion. We talked about medications and effects, fatigue and exercise. She sent me downstairs for x-rays of my spine, "just to be sure" and gave me a referral to physical therapy. If nothing abnormal shows up on the x-rays I don't need to see her again until April.

I feel... deflated? Elated? Relieved? I realize it's really good news that my spine is (most likely) not affected by the rheumatoid disease. I am glad to not be adding any new medication and happy that I am actually able to decrease the prednisone by 2.5 mg. So why the hesitation? Why the anxious, unsettled, drowning feeling? Am I just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do I really wish my spine pain was inflammation due to the disease? Why would anyone wish for that?!? I know, because it's a definite answer. It is a for-sure reason for the horrific pain that has come and gone the past few weeks. I don't want to go to physical therapy to "learn how to manage". I don't want to have another medical facility get to know me by name and expect to see me regularly. I don't have time for that! I just want a quick answer and treatment, and then to get on with my life. But I suppose, this is my life now. I just need to accept the facts and do what I can to learn, cope and live well.

Wish me luck. Or better yet, pray for me to quit being a whiny baby and "just do it".  :-)

Cold and Hot... Pain Relief?

Summer is finally here!!  I've been awaiting the warmer weather, aching (literally) with anticipation for what seems like forever!  We have had a particularly cold Spring and start of Summer... it's so nice to have sunshine and warmth!  Or so I thought...
Yesterday my body was not happy, angry in fact.  It seems the excess heat triggers swelling of joints and causes incredible fatigue.  Who would've guessed that huh?  Today, much of the same, a bit worse.  The pain grew and sharpened over the course of the day and I'm considering calling the doc, but would prefer to wait things out a bit longer.
Pain is not usually my worst enemy.  Because of this I don't have a regular "pain management routine".  I still have some prednisone and consider taking one but haven't yet.  Ice packs are helping to ease the swelling and pain in my hands but I can't keep ice on them forever.  Usually heat therapy is my best bet for easing the ache, but I guess not when the pain is caused by Summer heat.
Currently I am only taking Plaquenil and diclofenac for treatment.  I use heat to loosen up the joints and ease the ache.  I guess now I'm also using cold therapy when the pain is triggered by warmer temps.  I don't want to take pain medication if I don't have to because I know I'll have trouble rationing myself once I have access to it.  I don't want to "cave" before I "have" to, if you know what I mean.  My rheumy will prescribe something for the pain if (or when) it gets bad enough.  I sort of dread that day.  I hope to God it never comes, or at least not anytime soon.
For now I'll continue my fight.  I'll fight the cold with hot, heat with ice... maybe someday it will all balance out.