When Good News is Hard to Take

Saw my rheumatologist today. We talked about my back pain, stiffness and decreased range of motion. We talked about medications and effects, fatigue and exercise. She sent me downstairs for x-rays of my spine, "just to be sure" and gave me a referral to physical therapy. If nothing abnormal shows up on the x-rays I don't need to see her again until April.

I feel... deflated? Elated? Relieved? I realize it's really good news that my spine is (most likely) not affected by the rheumatoid disease. I am glad to not be adding any new medication and happy that I am actually able to decrease the prednisone by 2.5 mg. So why the hesitation? Why the anxious, unsettled, drowning feeling? Am I just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do I really wish my spine pain was inflammation due to the disease? Why would anyone wish for that?!? I know, because it's a definite answer. It is a for-sure reason for the horrific pain that has come and gone the past few weeks. I don't want to go to physical therapy to "learn how to manage". I don't want to have another medical facility get to know me by name and expect to see me regularly. I don't have time for that! I just want a quick answer and treatment, and then to get on with my life. But I suppose, this is my life now. I just need to accept the facts and do what I can to learn, cope and live well.

Wish me luck. Or better yet, pray for me to quit being a whiny baby and "just do it".  :-)