I Am Thankful...

for understanding supervisors who allow me to "take care of myself" and take a day of rest when I am sick or just super beat.

I am grateful...
my husband lets me vent when I need to, sleep when I have to and be silent when no words make sense.

I am happy...
to sit in my chair, laptop at my fingertips, content just typing away while my dear husband sits next to me playing a game.  Every so often he glances over with a concerned look and tells me I should probably go back to bed... but I am happy to stay for now.

I am glad...
I can still walk, play fetch with the dog (and cats, haha!), hug my loved ones.

I am thankful...

that even though handwriting is much harder than it used to be I can usually type on a keyboard wth ease and therefore express myself much the same as always.

Sunday Afternoon Musings

Sitting here thinking, asking myself a bunch of crazy questions. I'm thinking about all the people I know who are having or trying to have babies... have I missed a boat, a fork or a chance? Am I lazy or just fearful? Should we have tried to have kids right away instead of waiting "just a couple years" (over five years now), to settle in and buy a house and feel "stable"? Is it almost too late?

I feel old... but still like a child. I do not feel 27, more like 19 or so. In less than three years I'll be 30. Not old, I know, but getting there. How old is "too old" to have kids? Please, stifle your guffaws, but I must confess I have looked this exact question up, word for word in Google and found many different interesting articles. It seems the general consensus is that a woman should try to get pregnant by her late 30's, as once this age is reached there is a higher chance of fertility issues or complications. Everyone is different of course, and it's becoming more and more commonplace for women to have children well into their 40's.

I've never wanted to be an "older Mom". I always assumed I would follow in the footsteps of my mother and grandmother, get married young and have kids right away. I was 22 when we got married. That was five and a half years ago...

Don't get me wrong, I am so glad I didn't get pregnant "too young" or unmarried, like so many girls I see. I am also grateful we didn't have a baby right away because both Michael and I have needed time to grow together in our marriage. Still, I find myself worried over so many different things... will we be good parents? Will I get really sick and not be able to work? Will we be able to do fun things with our kids, seeing as how we are "older"? Then there's the variable of my physical health. Can I even handle being pregnant, let alone have the energy to keep up with little kiddos?

So there you have it. My "Sunday afternoon, sitting in bed resting, trying not to think of Monday" thoughts.

Rambling Update

Wow... it has been one month, one week and one hour since my last post!  No, this is not an exclamation of excitement, more akin to a cringe and shake of the head.  Life has been busy.  Scratch that, life has been crazy, tiring and... crazy.  I am so grateful for my darling husband who replaced our sewer line (saving us at least $2000!), replaced the fuel pump in the truck (saving at least another few hundred dollars), and has been patient and loving with me even as I've been snapping at him out of exhaustion and frustration the last couple (or few?) weeks.

I missed a week of work -minus three hours that I went in and barely lasted- when I was sick last month.  I am truly grateful for my supervisors who are incredibly understanding and supportive.  I'm not sure how I would be able to keep working if it weren't for their grace.

The combined stress of money-leeching household emergencies and lots on my plate at work has been wreaking havoc on my physical and mental health.  I feel like I can't concentrate anymore, as I am always trying to make sure I'm not forgetting something important.

It's December 2nd... just 23 days until Christmas.  I don't feel any spark, flitter or twinge of Christmas spirit.  We are not buying gifts this year, frankly because we can't afford anything non-essential.  I don't have any of my Christmas decorations out because that takes energy, "spoons" that I don't have enough of.  I really hope to find some spirit of Christmas somewhere deep inside, soon.  I don't want to be a grinch.

I want a family.  Not one just made up of felines, canine and husband.  What is the point of doing what we do if not to support and raise children of our own?  Why own a house and work our tails off, if not to prepare for adding to our family?  Mom will be an awesome grandmother.  Dad a super fun(ny) grandpa.  My sweet sister will be darling as Crazy Auntie Amanda.  My brothers, though not living as close, will be happy (maybe thrilled?) to be uncles.  Honestly, I can't wait.  After all, the longer we wait the older we get... and the harder it may be.

These are my thoughts most prominent lately.  Scattered, random and foggy.  Thanks for listening, I will try to check in again soon.

Tuesday... better than Monday

After yesterday's... uh, slightly depressive post, I feel the need to do a follow up.  So here I am, following up...

I have been (obviously) feeling miserable lately.  There have been a few sad events that hit a bit close to home, my body is betraying me again, the weather has changed for the worse and my darling husband's monthly paychecks are getting leaner (we knew this was coming, just weren't sure how lean they would look and it's rather discouraging).  All these things have been added to my life in the span of a couple months.  I feel down, dogged, dreary, disheartened.  It is hard finding the silver lining, the blessing in disguise, the rainbow in the storm.  It's hard and honestly I don't want to have to do it.  But you know, I don't have to.  I don't have to figure things out, make it work on my own, hold myself together... I'm not alone.  When I remember that, things feel a bit easier.  Life feels a bit more normal and I don't feel so much like a failure.

None of us are alone.  No matter how bad and lonely and rejected you feel, there is always someone you can go to in times of need.  We are also not alone in our struggles.  Every day, tragedy strikes.  Maybe not in your life or my life... maybe you will not ever hear of this tragedy, but it happens to someone, a fellow human being.  People die, are hurt, run away... there are so many hurting souls in this world we are never alone in our grief and our pain.

I don't know for sure how many people read this blog, how many of them are people I know and who even really cares about what I have to say.  But I do have some followers which must mean there are at least a few people paying attention, right?  If not that is alright, since a lot of times I just use this as an outlet when I am feeling something intensely.  Whether you are a friend, follower, family member or stranger reading this: THANK YOU.  Thank you for letting me vent, voice my heart, feel acknowledged.  I appreciate it more than you know.

Hmm... does that make me a narcissist??  ;-)

Sad Sick Day

I've been doing my best.  At least, I've been telling myself it's my best... how do I tell what my best is anymore, when it's never the same?  I still get up (almost) every day, take care of the (minor) household chores and (usually) go to work.  But... that's about it.  I don't do anything extra, for myself or anyone else.

Hell, I'm not even sure how long I've been feeling this down... probably only about a week, since I started tapering that 'love to hate drug' prednisone, but it feels like forever.  I feel like a failure, a waste, a sick, fading shell.  What's the point?  Why even try anymore?

These have been my thoughts all day, as I have lazed about, trying to curb the nausea and get through my day at home without losing what's left of my mind.  Oh yeah, I stayed home today.  Barring the nasty details, the nausea that kept me up throughout the night and the aching head and body brought me even lower and convinced me that I'm not "sick", just reacting to the stupid drug taper.

Some days, especially on days like today, I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again.  I worry that I'm going to die early, leaving everyone behind.  I wonder if it's selfish to want to bring kids into this life, where their mother won't be able to do all the things mothers normally do.  I worry that my husband doesn't understand and may not even want to understand.  I can't blame him if that's true... who's to say I would not feel the same in his position?  After all, I'm still young, I should still have plenty of time ahead to go on adventures, share the physical labor of yard work, firewood cutting, bed making, laundry load lifting... I should be able to rub his back and neck when he is strained, like he does for me.

I certainly hope to feel better tomorrow... no more sick days for this impatient patient.