Lately...

     I've been exhausted.  Not just tired, worn down or burned out... EXHAUSTED.  The immeasurable fatigue drains all energy.  I feel like there is concrete in my veins.  My mind is murky and my body slow and creaky.  I have been trying to let myself rest when I need to but some days there just are not enough hours.  I feel like I could literally sleep for days.  Part of my issue is known and part is still up for debate.  I have been doing a lot of research and learning all I can.

     A blog that I found through Facebook has been a Godsend.  "Sunny Side Up" is written by a Christian woman in her 30's with RA.  The encouraging words and information I have received from her site are invaluable.  I, like her, am living with an "invisible illness".  Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis is only different from regular RA in that the patient does not test positive for the "rheumatoid factor".  All the usual RA symptoms are present... the joint pain and swelling, stiffness, full-body fatigue... it's like living in a cloudy bubble.  I am grateful to have a place to go where people understand when I say "I'm exhausted" or "not having a good day".  It is good connecting with people who are dealing with the same feelings (emotional and physical) as I am.

 

     I am trying to learn to take care of myself and "roll with the punches"... trying to learn how this disease ticks and how to keep the peace between it and my life.  I know there is still a lot to learn and that I will never fully understand what no one fully understands.  There may be certain triggers I can avoid but mostly it is not entirely logical.  Flares come at the most inconvenient, unexpected times.  When dormant there is still often the monstrous fatigue that plagues the entire body.

     I will learn.  After all, I guess I have the rest of my life to get the hang of it, right?  ;-)

Baby Miranda... and gratitude

     I just finished reading the story of Chad Cole, his wife and baby Miranda.  I cried, hard.  I cannot imagine the devastation of losing your best friend and life companion in an instant, then days later saying goodbye to your newborn baby.  Many people, myself included, would want to give up on life after experiencing such a heart-wrenching series of events.  But the power of prayer is so much bigger than our broken hearts.  This man has been drenched in love and support from thousands, many of whom he has never met.  Through the grace of God, Chad was able to sweetly sing goodbye to his daughter, letting her go quietly into Jesus' arms.  Thanks to the millions of prayers sent up on his behalf Chad is able to remain "clinging to the Rock".
     The power of prayer is unyielding.  God is so much bigger than our emotions, our grief.  He knows each tear that falls and He hears us before we even call out for Him.

     Before reading this emotional story I was feeling sorry for myself.  I was dwelling on life circumstances, wishing we were more financially secure, wishing I felt better, wanting our house to be perfect... I was focusing on things that I wanted changed instead of thanking God for the good He has provided.  My heart was clouded with ungrateful mutterings and envy.  I needed a reminder that my life is full of blessings and the Lord truly does have a plan.

     We may not live in the best house, but we have a roof over our heads and it is "home".  I may not always have the energy or motivation to complete my to-do list, but I have a loving husband who picks up the slack when I'm down.  I lost the "best Grandma in the world" a couple years back, but I have an angel in Heaven awaiting me with open arms.
     I often look at what others have and wish I could trade a little piece of my life for theirs, but why bother?  Everyone has blessings, everyone has their own gifts and weaknesses.  Every one of us is given individual trials, not one life the same as another.  We are all blessed, beautiful and beloved.  In the end we are all the same... loved, beautiful, chosen.

Addict

     I used to be am an addict.
     At seventeen I started smoking.  Don't ask me why because I truly don't know what prompted me to make that choice.   It was not about being "cool" or fitting in.  I wasn't trying to kill myself or get attention.  I was rebellious and self destructive, trying to grow up in all the wrong ways.  Never did the thought of long-term consequences cross into my diluted mind as I was filling it with chemicals.  I wasn't considering the fact that although I didn't want to be addicted, the chemicals were causing a reaction that would be impossible to duplicate without cigarettes.  The psychological effects also took hold with that very first drag.
     Now, nearly ten years later, the cravings still catch me off guard.  Not every day, not even once a month... but sometimes, when I smell fresh smoke, drink my coffee, have a bad day, or even when a quit smoking ad comes on the television... the irrational and nearly irresistible "need" for that hot nicotine stick takes precedence over any rational thought I may have had.
     Not since 2007 have I given in to the urge.  The cravings are strong but I remind myself that giving in for just a little fix is not worth it.  Not worth the pain I would cause my family, not worth the embarrassment of having to admit my deadly mistake once again.
     I wish I could say the cravings are easy to deal with, simple to ignore, but they are rather intense.  There have been a few times I was so close to caving it frightened me.  Sometimes there doesn't even need to be a specific stresser.

Maybe someday I will be free of my cravings, my nasty addiction.  But then, are alcoholics ever free from their addiction?  Do they ever truly "get over it"?  Does an alcoholic ever stop craving a drink every once in a while?  I think not.  I believe our addictions are always with us, constantly lurking.  We are all humans, every one of us fallen.  Our old nature wants us to give in, make ourselves feel good, take the easy way.  We don't have to give in.  It doesn't matter how strong the urge, how terribly we feel we need something.  Every one of us has a choice to make.  I will continue to make my choice.  I'm sure I will continue to be haunted but I will continue the fight.

Honestly

       You know, sometimes I feel like a failure.  Sometimes I don't think I'm a good wife.  I often stress about stupid things, things that really will not matter in ten years... or five years or five days.  I have a weak spine and a worrying gene.        There are days when I forget to put away the dinner leftovers and they go bad, days when all I really accomplish is being awake for a few hours.  I often make promises about things I will do and when the day is over I realize not one of those tasks is even started.  There are times when my heart drags to the bottom of my soul, times that I wonder if the light will ever again penetrate the blackness.

       You know, sometimes I feel like a winner.  Sometimes I know I'm a good wife, a beloved daughter, a special sister.  I am able to remain calm in the most adverse situations, I know the small stuff is not worth sweating.  I have a strong will and a tender heart.
       There are days when I know I have accomplished all I need to and I go to sleep quickly and peacefully at night.  I have times when my heart soars in the clouds and my soul sings with joy.

       I have learned that I am an excellent faker.  I show one thing on the outside while feeling a completely different one inside.  While I have my own very strong opinions, I often suppress them until I find if they are common to others.  When my temper boils too hot I can say the most hurtful things, instantly, without thinking it through... and rarely feel remorse until the heat dissipates.  I hold grudges tightly, silent and stealthy.  My heart clings to the familiar and I hate letting anything go.

       When people compliment me on my friendliness and calm demeanor, I laugh a little inside.  If only they could see what I really feel!  Sure, I truly care for people and I do have the ability to calm myself in stressful situations.  I like making people feel special and taking care of the ones who have trouble taking care of themselves.  But when told that I am special and admired for these gifts, I wonder if I should accept the praise?  Should I tell them that I know how to "fake it" really well?  Should I mention that I have tons of practice at making myself look good?  I never do admit these facts aloud.  My fear of rejection halts any honest outburst.

       Maybe someday I will show my true colors.  Perhaps at some point I will no longer care what people think of me and I will simply be myself.  I suppose it's true that you "live and learn", so long as you allow yourself to make the mistakes necessary to learn from.

How Many Kings?

     Christmas.  The time of year when people go all out to give each other stuff, things to show how much they care.  The time of year when we try to cram all the visits together and make sure to give everyone something to let them know how special they are.  The time of year that we celebrate family, love, good food and winter.
     If you are a Christian, this is also the time of year to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ.  The time of year we remember how He came down from Heaven as a humble baby, to walk the earth a regular man, to one day die on the cross so we may be free from the law of sin and have a ticket to Heaven, if we just accept it.
     There is a song that talks about all God gave up for us, for ME... that asks who else has given us what He gave?  Who else but Jesus came down to save?  I have been hearing this song on the radio lately and every single time it overwhelms me with gratitude. 

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How Many Kings

Follow the star to a place unexpected
Would you believe, after all we've projected,
A child in a manger?
Lowly and small, the weakest of all
Unlikeliest hero, wrapped in his mother's shawl -
Just a child -
Is this who we've waited for? 'cause...

How many kings step down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
And how many gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that is torn all apart
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior
All that we have, whether costly or meek
Because we believe.
Gold for his honor, and frankincense for his pleasure
And myrrh for the cross he will suffer
Do you believe?
Is this who we've waited for?

All for me...
All for you...

How many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many Gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?
Only one did that for me

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Only one being has ever done what He did for me, for US.  I am so grateful He did.  I am grateful that He loves us so unconditionally, even when we turn away, when we ignore Him, when we pretend we don't need Him.  I am glad He knows us better than we do.