You know, sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I don't think I'm a good wife. I often stress about stupid things, things that really will not matter in ten years... or five years or five days. I have a weak spine and a worrying gene. There are days when I forget to put away the dinner leftovers and they go bad, days when all I really accomplish is being awake for a few hours. I often make promises about things I will do and when the day is over I realize not one of those tasks is even started. There are times when my heart drags to the bottom of my soul, times that I wonder if the light will ever again penetrate the blackness.
You know, sometimes I feel like a winner. Sometimes I know I'm a good wife, a beloved daughter, a special sister. I am able to remain calm in the most adverse situations, I know the small stuff is not worth sweating. I have a strong will and a tender heart.
There are days when I know I have accomplished all I need to and I go to sleep quickly and peacefully at night. I have times when my heart soars in the clouds and my soul sings with joy.
I have learned that I am an excellent faker. I show one thing on the outside while feeling a completely different one inside. While I have my own very strong opinions, I often suppress them until I find if they are common to others. When my temper boils too hot I can say the most hurtful things, instantly, without thinking it through... and rarely feel remorse until the heat dissipates. I hold grudges tightly, silent and stealthy. My heart clings to the familiar and I hate letting anything go.
When people compliment me on my friendliness and calm demeanor, I laugh a little inside. If only they could see what I really feel! Sure, I truly care for people and I do have the ability to calm myself in stressful situations. I like making people feel special and taking care of the ones who have trouble taking care of themselves. But when told that I am special and admired for these gifts, I wonder if I should accept the praise? Should I tell them that I know how to "fake it" really well? Should I mention that I have tons of practice at making myself look good? I never do admit these facts aloud. My fear of rejection halts any honest outburst.
Maybe someday I will show my true colors. Perhaps at some point I will no longer care what people think of me and I will simply be myself. I suppose it's true that you "live and learn", so long as you allow yourself to make the mistakes necessary to learn from.
